Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
