my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize