I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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