I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
