he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
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