I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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