Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
