I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
don't judge my taste in strippers
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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