Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
