After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
