maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
