xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
