i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
