I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
