I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
this will be a night to untag.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
