swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
