the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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