I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
