he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
