rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
