No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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