the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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