im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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