How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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