I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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