I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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