Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
