I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
How external is "for external use only"?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
