We won't sleep together?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I didn't notice because vodka
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
