I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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