peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
