So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
How does one acquire holy water?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
