98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
