the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
