Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize