Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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