Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
The maid of honor just puked.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
