My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
