If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
