Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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