So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
