I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
