Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
