that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
