did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Randomize
