I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
