the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
