carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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