I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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