Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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