the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
