oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
