I skipped work to stalk him.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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