I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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