Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
