I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
