She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
